I had to post something, anything, to replace that KISS gif from the top of today's posts list. Now that i've seen it about 20 times while editing the layout of this page, its getting less amusing by the second, veering strongly towards annoying.
Yes, i know i could just delete it. But i want YOU to be annoyed by it too. Lets call it a bonding experience. Mwahx
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Daily Blart - Cameron announces DIY policing plans....
Nimby residents showed enthusiastic support today in response to this morning's announcement from the coalition government regarding their plans for policing reform.
Home Secretary Thesesa May unveiled the brand new, 'big society'-based approach to community policing, dubbed The People's Militia, where public-spirited local vigilantes would volunteer to work alongside the regular plods, assisting them in carrying out routine duties such as public lynchings, collecting protection money from local businesses and shaking down drug dealers.
The use of the term 'DIY policing' in today's announcement led to misunderstandings amongst some of Nimby's amateur upholders of law and order. A mob of potential DIY crimefighters were observed in the B & Q car park intimidating customers while trying to look really hard and sporting mirror shades and utility belts. Some wore homemade star-shaped badges fashioned from tinfoil with the word 'depyutee' inscribed on them in black magic marker.
Unofficial spokesman for the menacing group of 'vigilanteers', window cleaner Barry Clartford said - "I always thought there was summat wrong wid them radges who gan on a mish wiv 'ammers n nails of a weekend like. It ain't normal is it? It was aboot time summat got done like".
More soon....
Home Secretary Thesesa May unveiled the brand new, 'big society'-based approach to community policing, dubbed The People's Militia, where public-spirited local vigilantes would volunteer to work alongside the regular plods, assisting them in carrying out routine duties such as public lynchings, collecting protection money from local businesses and shaking down drug dealers.
The use of the term 'DIY policing' in today's announcement led to misunderstandings amongst some of Nimby's amateur upholders of law and order. A mob of potential DIY crimefighters were observed in the B & Q car park intimidating customers while trying to look really hard and sporting mirror shades and utility belts. Some wore homemade star-shaped badges fashioned from tinfoil with the word 'depyutee' inscribed on them in black magic marker.
Unofficial spokesman for the menacing group of 'vigilanteers', window cleaner Barry Clartford said - "I always thought there was summat wrong wid them radges who gan on a mish wiv 'ammers n nails of a weekend like. It ain't normal is it? It was aboot time summat got done like".
More soon....
Monday, 26 July 2010
BUS WANKERS!!!
.... I have wanted to shout that at a crowded bus stop ever since I saw this clip on youtube (copied off an Inbetweeners scene) but due to lack of hard faced-ness, probably never will. So this is the next best thing.
BUS WANKERS!!!
Heehee, so wrong yet so right.... *grins*
BUS WANKERS!!!
Heehee, so wrong yet so right.... *grins*
Unfavourable comparisons to The Onion welcome....
This blog is partly somewhere to post whatever crap pops into my head and partly the home of my fledgling attempt at comedy writing, my new favourite waste of time. Its a bit like a newborn foal right now, sort of nervously tottering around on shaky legs, unsure of itself. It might one day grow to be a mighty stallion, or then again it might die of neglect, unloved and unremarked-upon. Time will tell. But for now here it is; feel free to read, quietly follow, ignore, take the piss, shower it with praise/scathing criticism, or whatever. Best comment gets a free e-shirt.
The Daily Blart reports on events, slanderous gossip and tittle tattle from the (sort-of) fictional Cumbrian town of Nimby, whenever I can be bothered. The word 'daily' is stretching it a bit at the moment but i'll do my best. The residents, places and happenings are not entirely fictual, names have been changed to protect the innocent etc etc.
There are many other Nimbys but this one is mine.... Abandon hope all ye who enter. Muahahahaaaaa!!
The Daily Blart reports on events, slanderous gossip and tittle tattle from the (sort-of) fictional Cumbrian town of Nimby, whenever I can be bothered. The word 'daily' is stretching it a bit at the moment but i'll do my best. The residents, places and happenings are not entirely fictual, names have been changed to protect the innocent etc etc.
There are many other Nimbys but this one is mine.... Abandon hope all ye who enter. Muahahahaaaaa!!
Thursday, 22 July 2010
"It hung in the air like a dog fart".....
In the vicinity of Buckingham Palace today, pitiful whining and the sound of knuckles dragging along the ground could be heard as self-styled king of the fascists Nick Griffin was unceremoniously denied entry yet again from the queen's annual garden party. "But I was invited, PLEASE let me in!" begged Griffin, to no avail.
A strong, malodourous smell of desperation and thwarted social ambition was described by several witnesses to the event - "It hung in the air like a dog fart" said party guest Mrs Gertrude Clungeworthy.
In a further development, we have been receiving unconfirmed reports that Griffin was later arrested at gunpoint and marched to the Tower of London by several large, burly men in furry hats.
Unsubstantiated rumours are circulating that this was the work of Prince Phillip who was said to be determined to protect his status as 'the only bigot in the village'.
A strong, malodourous smell of desperation and thwarted social ambition was described by several witnesses to the event - "It hung in the air like a dog fart" said party guest Mrs Gertrude Clungeworthy.
In a further development, we have been receiving unconfirmed reports that Griffin was later arrested at gunpoint and marched to the Tower of London by several large, burly men in furry hats.
Unsubstantiated rumours are circulating that this was the work of Prince Phillip who was said to be determined to protect his status as 'the only bigot in the village'.
S'Smiling Dave' Cameron’s Big Green energy revolution
The small rural town of Nimby in Cumbria was praised in the Commons today by Dave Cameron for their alternative energy scheme inspired by his Big Society plans.
Instead of erecting dozens of view-spoiling wind turbines, the community of Nimby, in collaboration with the local prison, invented their very own novel method of green power production. Their electricity is now generated solely by volunteer inmates from the local jail HMP Holidaycamp, by running on specially constructed giant hamster wheels all day long. Inmates are encouraged to participate in the scheme by imaginative use of cattle prods and batons by the prison guards, resulting in 100% of lags volunteering to take part.
Prison governor Miss Anne Thrope, gave a statement to the press today declaring the scheme a great success and expressed her gratitude to the inmates for their overwhelming support.
She spoke in glowing terms of her pride at being involved in such a radical, forward-thinking clean energy scheme – ‘we’re part of a paradigm shift in alternative power sources’ she said. She also noted that as an added bonus, the prisoners (who she warmly referred to as “my boys”) were now far too tired to even think about escape, rioting or any other funny business after lights out.
In a Commons speech earlier today, Cam told how the Nimby Big Alternative Power Scheme was an example to us all in community spirit and proposed that the scheme be rolled out across the whole country and extended to include the inhabitants of children’s homes, mental institutions and social housing. He went on to proclaim smugly that volunteering works.
Meanwhile, prisoner no. 3825633, Mr Reg Chokey, said in a smuggled-out message written on a rizla ‘the days of being banged up for 23 hours a day reading jazz mags, smoking roll-ups and wanking all day seem like a golden age now. You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone!’
Instead of erecting dozens of view-spoiling wind turbines, the community of Nimby, in collaboration with the local prison, invented their very own novel method of green power production. Their electricity is now generated solely by volunteer inmates from the local jail HMP Holidaycamp, by running on specially constructed giant hamster wheels all day long. Inmates are encouraged to participate in the scheme by imaginative use of cattle prods and batons by the prison guards, resulting in 100% of lags volunteering to take part.
Prison governor Miss Anne Thrope, gave a statement to the press today declaring the scheme a great success and expressed her gratitude to the inmates for their overwhelming support.
She spoke in glowing terms of her pride at being involved in such a radical, forward-thinking clean energy scheme – ‘we’re part of a paradigm shift in alternative power sources’ she said. She also noted that as an added bonus, the prisoners (who she warmly referred to as “my boys”) were now far too tired to even think about escape, rioting or any other funny business after lights out.
In a Commons speech earlier today, Cam told how the Nimby Big Alternative Power Scheme was an example to us all in community spirit and proposed that the scheme be rolled out across the whole country and extended to include the inhabitants of children’s homes, mental institutions and social housing. He went on to proclaim smugly that volunteering works.
Meanwhile, prisoner no. 3825633, Mr Reg Chokey, said in a smuggled-out message written on a rizla ‘the days of being banged up for 23 hours a day reading jazz mags, smoking roll-ups and wanking all day seem like a golden age now. You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone!’
**BREAKING NEWS** Local man gets put off his tea
Earlier today, Nimby resident Bill Featherstone was shocked and dismayed to see a pair of disembodied feet clad in stout black boots ambling along Beazley Street.
Mr Featherstone described to our reporter how he felt horrified at the sight of unattached body parts, apparently walking around Nimby without a care in the world -
“It was proper ‘orrible, sent a shiver right up me spine like. Put us right off me tea it did an all”
After an exhaustive journalistic investigation into the incident using google, wikipedia and other reliable sources, the Daily Blart can now reveal that the feet in question were those of local bobby PC Bent. His superior officer, Inspector Des Picable, defended the actions of his constable, stating that as a result of budget cuts only 10% of police officers actually go out on the beat. He resolved to increase levels of visible policing in future.
In response to this news, traumatised Bill nodded sagely and replied “Well i blame the bloody immigrants”
Mr Featherstone described to our reporter how he felt horrified at the sight of unattached body parts, apparently walking around Nimby without a care in the world -
“It was proper ‘orrible, sent a shiver right up me spine like. Put us right off me tea it did an all”
After an exhaustive journalistic investigation into the incident using google, wikipedia and other reliable sources, the Daily Blart can now reveal that the feet in question were those of local bobby PC Bent. His superior officer, Inspector Des Picable, defended the actions of his constable, stating that as a result of budget cuts only 10% of police officers actually go out on the beat. He resolved to increase levels of visible policing in future.
In response to this news, traumatised Bill nodded sagely and replied “Well i blame the bloody immigrants”
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